


Lycanthropy Studies

by wolfy_writing



Category: Community (TV)
Genre: Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-11-09
Updated: 2014-11-09
Packaged: 2018-02-24 16:49:16
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,989
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2588981
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/wolfy_writing/pseuds/wolfy_writing
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>You know that scene in a movie where it just happens that someone get bit by a dog on the night of the full moon, but no one thinks it means anything?  If you know Abed, things are a bit different.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Lycanthropy Studies

“How was everyone’s weekend?” Shirley asked.

“Great!” said Troy.  “Me and Abed spend Saturday night in the Dreamatorium.”  He gave Abed a fist-bump.  “We defeated the whole Blorgon empire _and_ built the pyramids using hover-cookies!”

Jeff leaned back in his chair.  "I skipped out on the whole playing pretend thing.  Instead, I spent my Saturday night in a bar, with women.  Then a dog bit me while I was waiting for a cab, so I spent Sunday morning getting rabies shots.”  

Abed looked intensely at Jeff, then over at Troy.  “Did you just hear that?”

“Hear what?” Jeff asked.

Troy gasped.  “He just…”

“I know!”

“And that means…”

They both spoke at the same time.  “Werewolves!”

“Werewolves,” said Jeff.  “Really.  What’s the matter, got bored with space travel?”

“We’ll never get bored with space travel,” said Troy.  “But we also like horror movies.”

“And when a character in the first scene casually mentions being bitten by a wolf, dog, or dog-like animal, that means they’ll eventually be revealed as a werewolf.”  Abed frowned.  “We should probably find a silver bullet just in case.”

“We’re not shooting Jeff!” said Troy.

Annie stepped into the study room.  “Did I…miss something important?”  
   
“No,” said Jeff.  “You missed something completely trivial and ridiculous.”

Pierce spoke up.  “Jeff got bit by some guy in a gay bar and now he needs shots.”

Annie frowned.  “Well, the human mouth does carry a lot of germs.”

“None of that happened,” said Jeff.

“No,” said Abed.  “Jeff got bit by a wolf, and now he’s going to turn into a werewolf.”

"That didn't happen either!"

“But we’re not shooting him,” said Troy.

Jeff slammed the textbook on the table.  “Enough!  I want to do the bare minimum of studying so I can pass and get out of here.  Until that happens, no more werewolf crap!”

Troy nudged Abed.  “Werewolf temper.”

“How long is this going to go on?” Jeff asked.

“We’re probably going to drop it for a couple of weeks,” said Abed.  “There shouldn’t really be any plot development on this front until the next full moon.  We can probably just skip ahead.  Nothing interesting is likely to happen until next month.”

—-

_Next month_

Britta walked into the study room. “There!  Happy?”

Abed walked over and began picking through her hair.  After a moment, he looked up.  “It’s gone.  Totally gone.”

Britta pulled her hands over her head.  “Yeesh!  I washed the blue streak out of my hair.  Why is it such a big deal?”

“Darkest Timeline,” said Abed.  “We can’t risk incursions.”

“Oh please!”

Shirley shook her head.  “I don’t know about this timeline stuff, but Britta, you were acting strange.”

“Yeah,” said Annie.  “You got…”

“Dark?” asked Abed, his eyebrows raised.  

Annie looked around the room.  “Kind of.”

“I was just PMSing!” said Britta.  

Abed blinked and started digging through his notebook.

Jeff grinned.  “Normally I’m not a fan of Troy and Abed’s ridiculous time-wasting bits, but this is too good to miss.”

An alarm went off on Abed’s phone.  He opened it.  “Wait, Jeff’s a werewolf!”

Britta burst out laughing.

“Are you still on that?” asked Jeff.  “I thought you dropped that a couple of weeks ago.”

“We put it on hold,” said Abed.  “No point pursuing a werewolf story when it’s not the full moon.  Unless you’re one of those werewolves that can transform at any time."  He gave Jeff an interested look.  "Can you?”

“Okay,” said Jeff.  “Very funny.  Let’s get back to work.”

“Oh no.”  Britta grinned.  “This is too good to miss.”

Abed looked at Troy.  “We should build a cage.”

Jeff put a hand up.  “As much as I love you guys, I will get a restraining order.”

“Don’t worry,” said Troy.  “I know what to do, Jeff.  We just need to kill the head werewolf.”

“That’s vampires,” said Abed.  “You kill the head vampire to save the ones they’ve bitten.  In werewolf stories, at least the good ones, the werewolf has to be killed.  Generally by a silver bullet, although An American Werewolf in London introduces the idea that werewolves have to be killed by someone who really loves them.  Jeff, who in the group do you love the most?”

“I’m not answering that!”  Jeff stared very hard at the table, trying not to give anyone and meaningful glances.  “Why would I help you decide who shoots me?”

“To save your friends,” said Abed.  “And to let the souls of those you’ve killed finally achieve rest.”

“Okay,” said Britta.  “This was funny at first, but now it’s creepy.  Abed, remember what I said about not doing violent things to Jeff in order to change the timeline?”

“Yeah, but that was when you had the blue streak in your hair.  I’m not sure if I can trust your judgement on that point.  Anyway, there isn’t a werewolf timeline.  Well, technically there is, but it’s this one, so there’s no need to worry about inter-dimensional incursions..”  Abed turned.  “Pierce, you have the most money of anyone in the group.  Could you help me get my hands on a silver bullet?”

Pierce perked up.  “Yes!  My father had a set.  Although for Jeff, I’d be willing to go as far as a platinum bullet.”

“That’s…oddly flattering, but can we drop the topic of shooting me?  Just for today?”

“Sure Jeff,” said Abed.  “But if you want somewhere safe to spend the night, we could probably put you in a cage.”

“Not the first time a guy said that to you, right Jeff?”  Pierce winked.  
   
—-

That night, Jeff poured himself a double scotch.  Werewolves.  Abed was getting more and more ridiculous.

He took a long sip.  He really needed to spend a bit more time with normal people.  People who didn’t talk about timelines or werewolves, or talk him into spending the weekend in a small apartment with plastic glued to his face calling himself Thoraxis.

Although, Troy’s birthday party _had_ been pretty fun.

Still, he needed to do normal things.  Watch sports.  Chase women.  Drink scotch with people who didn’t make a face every time they tasted it.

Jeff took another sip and smiled.  Still, it’d probably blow over in a couple of days, and they’d be into competitive bubble-blowing or making robots out of rubber bands.  He could put up with this for a few more days.

He finished his drink.  He could just ride it out, and it'd all be back to normal.

—-

_Crap_ , thought Jeff.  _How much scotch did I drink?_   His head was pounding, his chest felt damp and sticky, and his mouth tasted like…

He spat blood.  There was more blood on his chest.

He jumped up and yelped.  

That was when he realized he was naked in an alley.

—-

“Annie!  Annie!”  Someone was pounding on her window.

Annie woke up to see Jeff crouching naked on her fire escape.

She pinched herself, but she was still awake

“Annie!  Please!  Let me in!”  

Annie climbed out of bed.  She stepped over to the window, then stopped.  “Abed,” she called out, “were you saying Jeff was a vampire, or a werewolf?”

“Werewolf!” called Abed.

“Just checking.”  She opened the window.

“Thanks!”  Jeff climbed inside.  He immediately grabbed a throw pillow and put it in front of him.  “I’m sorry about this.  I woke up in an alley.”

Annie looked at Jeff.  He had blood on his chest and mouth.  “Are you bleeding?”

Jeff looked down.  “No.  I thought so at first, but now I’m pretty sure it’s not my blood.”

Annie froze.  “Whose blood is is?”

Jeff looked up at her with wide, frightened eyes.  “I don’t know.”

—-

Annie stepped out of her bedroom.  Troy and Abed were already at the breakfast table.

“So,” said Annie, twisting her hands together.  “Um.  Jeff’s in my bedroom, and he doesn’t have any clothes, but it’s not what you think.”

Abed dropped his spoon.  “Did he black out last night and wake up naked and covered in blood?”

“Okay, so maybe it is what you think.”

Abed looked blank.  "What else could it be?  We're too far into the series for stripping contests, and we haven't jumped the shark yet."

—-

Jeff sat on the couch, wrapped in a blanket.  

Annie carefully wiped the blood off his chest with a washcloth.  “Troy?” she asked.  “Could you get me a plastic bag?”

“Annie,” said Troy, “I know you like Jeff, but this is going a bit too far.”

“I want to take it to my forensics teacher,” said Annie.  “That way I can find out if it’s actually blood.”

“Trust me, it’s blood,” said Jeff.  “I can still taste it.”

Abed put a hand on Jeff’s shoulder.  “None of this is your fault.  You got bitten and you turned into a monster.  It happens.”

“Abed!” said Annie.  “Let’s not jump to any lycanthropic conclusions.”

“Right,” said Jeff.  “Because it’s so much less scary to think I blacked out and ate someone while not a werewolf.”

“True,” said Abed.  “If you were human, you probably couldn’t have eaten more than a small portion, which means that if you were in a delusional frenzy, you probably just maimed them instead of killing them.  And if you’re not a werewolf, you’re probably just suffering delusional psychosis and that’s potentially treatable.”  

“Abed!”  Annie held up a hand.  “Not helping!”

“Right.”  Abed nodded.   “It’s not really fair to give him false hope.”

Annie drew a deep breath.  “Okay!  Here’s the plan.  Troy, go to Jeff’s apartment and see if you can get inside.  He has spare keys with Britta.  Get him some clothes and…hair care products and things.  Abed, you stay here with Jeff and keep an eye on him.  If he looks like he’s having any kind of medical emergency, call 911.  Don’t shoot him.”

“Of course not,” said Abed.  “It’s daytime.  There’s no point shooting him until it gets dark.”

—-

“Why do you want into Jeff’s apartment?” asked Britta.

“I need his clothes.”

Britta frowned.  “Is this like a bit?  Are you going to start being Jeff?  Ooh, is Abed going to start being Jeff?  Because that should be hilarious!  I’m in.”

“Yes,” said Troy.  “This is totally a bit.  Not a terrifying emergency where Jeff turned out to be an actual werewolf, and we have to kill the head werewolf before Jeff snaps and devours us all.”

Britta tilted her head.  “The werewolf thing from last month?  Okay, I can roll with that.  But I don’t know the combo for his hair product safe, so don’t even try.”

—-

“Which movie do you want?”  Abed sorted through DVDs.  “I’ve got The Howling, An American Werewolf in London, Dog Soldiers, and the classic The Wolf Man with Lon Cheney Jr.  I’ve also got The Wolfman with Benecio Del Toro if you want to make fun of something.”

“Abed, what in the world makes you think I’d have any desire to see a werewolf movie right now?”

Abed looked at the DVDs.  “You know the Inspector from Inspector Spacetime?”

“I may have heard you mention him once or twice.”

“He’s weird.   Alien.  He doesn’t quite belong on this planet.  His thinks when he’s supposed to be feeling, and feels things that don’t make sense to other people.  But he helps people, and they like him even with his weirdness, and Constable Reggie is always with him and has his back.”  Abed glanced over at his DVD shelf.  “It’s…nice.”

Jeff turned.  “Are you…trying to be comforting?”

Abed shrugged.

“That’s…actually nice.  But could you aim for something that’s a little bit less about being turned into a monster and dying?”

Abed blinked.  “How do you feel about Harry Potter movies?”

—   
Troy opened Jeff’s closet.  All he could find was tight jeans and suits.  Troy was pretty sure that if anything was a sweatpants day, it'd be the day you learned you were a werewolf.  

He turned and began digging through the chest of drawers for workout clothes.  “Britta, can you help?  I don’t want to touch Jeff’s underpants.”

Britta stepped into the bedroom.  “Troy…have you seen Jeff?”

“Um…no?”

“I’m worried,” said Britta. “There’s spilled scotch and broken glass all over his kitchen.”

“Any blood?” asked Troy.  

“No!” said Britta.  “Why would you ask that?”

“Because…you said broken glass,” said Troy.  “And I thought he might have…cut himself.  On the glass.”

Britta frowned.  “Troy, why are you doing your ‘I’m lying’ voice?”

“…no reason.”

Britta’s jaw dropped.  “Oh my god, something terrible’s happened to Jeff!”  She pointed to the night stand.  “He left his phone!”

Troy looked down at the phone.  “It’s okay, he showed up on Annie’s fire escape, naked and covered in blood.  We’re not really sure what happened, but he might be a werewolf.”

Britta sighed in relief.  “Oh, thank goodness.”

—

Jeff emerged from the bathroom.  His hair was perfect.

“You really don’t know what happened?” asked Britta.  

“Nothing.”  Jeff sat down.  “Total blank.”  The designer clothes and hair gel seemed to have steadied him.  “And before you ask, I only had two scotches.”

“And you’re sure you weren’t bleeding?”

“Not a scratch on me.”

Abed held up a finger.  “Werewolf super-healing.”

“You didn’t…pass out and bite your lip or anything?” Britta asked Jeff.

“Nope.”  Jeff wrapped his arms around himself.  “That’s the really scary part.  I have no idea where the blood came from.”

“I know!”  Annie stepped through the door.  “Possums!”

“Nice,” said Abed.  “Excellent dramatic timing.”

Annie pulled out a piece of paper.  “I talked the professor into running some extra tests, and Jeff was covered in possum blood.  He even found a few hairs in there”

“So I blacked out, stripped naked and attacked a possum?” Jeff asked.  “Why would I do that?”

“If possums were attacking you,” said Troy, “it makes sense you’d strip off your clothes so they couldn’t latch onto them, then go into a frenzy and start biting in self-defense and black out in terror.”   He paused and looked around the room, catching everyone's expressions.  “I don’t like possums, okay?”

“Or Jeff could be a werewolf,” said Abed.

Troy nodded.  “True.”

“Werewolf is the sensible idea now?” asked Jeff.  “That’s it.  I’m going to a real doctor.”

“That’s not a good idea,” said Abed.  “After the possum blood misdirect, I think we’re headed for a relatively light-hearted werewolf story where the condition becomes controllable, and therefore effectively a super-power.  But if you’re in a hospital, that introduces a lot of new characters who the audience isn’t emotionally invested in, and they’ll have no way to see the danger coming until you wolf out and start attacking people.”

Jeff gave Abed a look.  “You and I should probably both get our heads examined.”

“Been there, done that,” said Abed.  “It never ends well.”

“I’ll go with you,” said Annie.  “You should have someone along in case you black out again.”

—-

The doctor looked over the test results.  “You appear, Mr. Winger, to be completely fine.  You’re sure you only had two drinks?”

“Yes!” snapped Jeff.  

“Well, there isn’t much we can do.  We could keep you overnight for observation if you want, but honestly, it’d be just as effective and considerably cheaper if you founds some friends to stay over with you.”

“I’d stay with you,” said Annie.  “And Troy and Abed would probably come over it wasn’t weird.”

Jeff glared.  “You weren’t put up to this by a gangly Palestinian with Asperger’s, were you?”

The doctor frowned.  “Possibly we _should_ check you in for observation.”

“No.”  Jeff sighed.  “Fate’s clearly dragging me into this ridiculous werewolf bit.  I give up. I'll go along with it.”

“Werewolf?” asked the doctor.  “Mr. Winger, is there something you didn’t tell me?”

“Yes, but it’s too late now.  You had your chance to make this something normal.  I’m doing the stupid werewolf bit!”  He stormed off.  

The doctor turned to Annie.  “Is he a danger to himself or others?”

“No,” said Annie.  “He's just kind of weird.  Don’t worry, I’ll make sure he has someone sensible to keep an eye on him.”

—

“Okay,” said Abed.  “We have handcuffs, tasers, pepper spray, crosses…”

“You’re welcome,” said Shirley.

“Although once again, Jeff’s not vampire, so they’re kind of useless.  But we do have silver bullets,” said Abed.  He held up a gun.

Pierce nodded.  “You’re welcome.”

“Yes, Pierce,” said Jeff.  “Thank you for giving the guy who keeps having delusional episodes something to shoot me with.”

“Any time, buddy.”  Pierce grinned.

“Maybe I should take that.”  Britta reached for the gun.  “I only see things that are really there, unless I’m high.  Which I’m not!”  She laughed nervously.  

Shirley reached out.  “Maybe I should take that.”

“Yeah, like religion isn’t just a socially approved form of delusion.”  Britta rolled her eyes.

“Excuse me?”

“You’ve got an imaginary friend who tells you what to do, and no one can see him unless they believe really hard.”  Britta stood up.  “How is that not Tinker Bell for grown-ups?”

Abed pointed.  “You could kill Tinker Bell by saying you didn’t believe in her, which is why you should never claim not to believe in fairies.  Jesus, however, never actually died.”

“Abed!” said Shirley.

“It looked like he did, but God faked his death with an identical duplicate.  It was pretty cool.”

“New rule!” said Jeff.  “No arguing religion in my apartment.  If you want to sit around and watch me turn into a wolf, you have to drop the topic.”

“Well, I don’t think anyone _wants_ to see you turn into a wolf,” said Annie.

Abed held up a hand.  “I kind of do.  Although only if I can avoid being killed.”  He cocked the gun.

Annie held out her hand.  “I’ll take it.  I did a firearm safety class when I was living in my last apartment.”

Everyone looked at each other.

“I’m cool with that,” said Jeff.  

“Me too,” said Troy.  “I trust Annie with anything but chloroform.”

“I’m sure Annie would be responsible with the gun,” said Shirley.  

“I agree,” said Pierce.  “If anyone’s going to shoot someone else in the group, it should be Annie!”

“Fine,” said Britta.  “Whatever.  I didn’t want the gun anyway.  I’m a pacifist.”

“Of course you are,” said Jeff.

“Good luck using pacifism against werewolves,” said Abed.  “Ooh, a pacifist getting eaten by a werewolf!”   He pointed at Troy.

“Noted.”  Troy pulled out a pen and notepad.  “We’re writing a werewolf movie based off Jeff’s experiences.  If it sells, we’re cutting Jeff in for ten percent of the net.  Unless we have to shoot him, in which case ten percent goes to his mom.”

“Well, I’m sure that will be a load off her mind,” said Jeff.  “On that note, I’m going to bed.”  He stood up.

So did everyone else.

“What’s going on?” asked Jeff.

“We’re going to bed with you,” said Abed.  

Shirley put up a hand.  “Um…in what sense, exactly?”

“Yeah,” said Jeff.  “If you were going to hold a study group orgy, you should have warned me.  And not invited Pierce.”

“Hey!”

“We need to keep an eye on Jeff all night,” said Troy.  “That way, if he wolfs out, we’ll be ready.”

"Troy's right...sort of.  We should keep an eye on him,” said Britta.  “In case he has an episode and starts eating possums again.  You might need a trained psychology student.”

“Whatever’s going on,” said Shirley, “someone should keep an eye on him.”

“We should do it in shifts,” said Abed.  “I’ll take first shift.”

Britta turned.  “I think you and Troy should…rest up, in case we need…werewolf experts!  I’ll take the first shift, Annie will take the second, and Shirley will take the third.”

“What about me?” asked Pierce.

“You can take…noon.”  Britta gestured.

Jeff pulled Britta aside.  “Noon?”

“Would you rather have Pierce standing over you, watching you you while you sleep?”

“Okay, point taken.”  Jeff turned to Pierce.  “See you at noon!”

—-

Annie’s phone alarm went off at one AM.  She sat up on Jeff’s sofa.

The rest of the group was sprawled out around the room.  Pierce was on the other sofa, Shirley was curled up in an easy chair, and Abed and Troy had built themselves a shared blanket fort under Jeff’s dining table.

Annie stood up.  She could hear motion in Jeff’s room.  Britta was probably waiting for Annie to take the next shift.  Or…something.  

She reached for the gun, then changed her mind and dug through the other supplies.

Annie walked over and opened the door of Jeff’s room.  Inside, Britta lay curled up, snoring in the corner.  

No one was on the bed.

Pacing the floor was a wolf.  It stopped, sniffed the air, and turned towards Annie.  

“Jeff?” asked Annie.

The wolf let out a low growl.

“Jeff?  Is that…you?” Annie stepped closer.  

The wolf paused, almost like it recognized her.  It stepped back.

“Jeff,” said Annie, trying to keep her voice steady. “It’s me.  Annie.  I know you…care about me and don’t want to hurt me.  Remember that.  I know you’re in there somewhere.”

The wolf sprung.  

Annie screamed.

—-

Britta jumped  up.  “I’m awake.  What happened?”  She could see the rest of the group rushing to the doorway.

Annie knelt on the floor.  “Jeff’s a werewolf!”  She sat over the twitching heap of fur.  “And I kind of tasered him.”

Everyone stared.

“Unbelievable,” said Britta.

“I know!” said Troy.  “Tasers work on werewolves?”

Abed looked down at Jeff.  “We’ll have to add that to the movie.”

—-

When Jeff woke up in the morning, the first thing he noticed was a pounding headache.

The second thing he noticed was that he was handcuffed to the bed.

Shirley stood over him, nervously clutching a taser.  “Are you…okay?”

“I think so,” said Jeff.  “What’s with the taser?”

“It’s in case you…you know…get a little…you’re a werewolf, you’re a werewolf, you’re a werewolf!”  

Jeff started to sit up, then got caught on the handcuffs and fell sideways.  “What’s going on?”

“You turned into a wolf!  We all saw you!  You were a wolf and then you changed back!  Oh Lord!”  

“Shirley, did you catch crazy off Abed?” asked Jeff.  “Because you’re holding a taser and I’m handcuffed to a bed.  That…doesn’t combine well with crazy.”

Shirley took a deep breath.  “Sorry, I’m just a bit nervous because you’re a werwolf.”

“Hello?” yelled Jeff.  “Is anyone else out there?  Preferably anyone with a handcuff key and no taser?”

Abed came in with the key.  “You can unlock him now.  It’s daytime.”

—-

“So you all saw me turn into a wolf?” asked Jeff.  “This isn’t some weird game where you’re all playing along with Abed, is it?”

Annie shook her head.  “You were a wolf.  I had to taser you.”

Troy grinned.  “It was pretty cool.  Then, when the sun came up, you changed back.”  He pulled a face.  “That was kind of gross.”

“Very Rick Baker,” said Abed.  “It had that unsettling organic quality you just don’t get with CGI.”

“Guys, what are we going to do?” asked Annie.  “Jeff’s a werewolf!”

“Well,” said Shirley.  “I can pray and hope it drives out whatever evil spirit has infested Jeff.”

“Me too,” said Pierce.  “Buddha defeated the space werewolves, so he could probably cure the Earth ones.”

“Guys, we need serious solutions,” said Britta.  “We need to research this!  I have a copy of Women Who Run With Wolves at home.  I never actually read it, but the title sounds relevant!”

“We have to kill the head werewolf!” said Troy.  “Kill him, and Jeff is free.”

Abed shook his head.  “Still vampires.  Or An American Werewolf in Paris, but thinking you don’t know the difference between vampires and werewolves is less insulting than thinking you’d regard that movie as a good for anything but mockery.”

“So what’s your plan?” asked Troy.  “Shoot him?”

“We could build a cage,” said Abed.  “Less dramatic than being forced to kill Jeff, but more suitable to an ongoing series.”

Jeff tilted his head.  “That’s…not a terrible plan.  So I get locked up in a cage three nights a month?”

“I could come and lock you up,” said Annie, blushing.  “If you need it.”

Jeff smiled.  “I can’t think of anyone I’d rather be put in a cage by.”

Everyone went quiet for a moment.  Shirley coughed.  

“Well,” said Britta.  “Let’s see what we can do to solve this.”

Troy turned to Annie.  “Think Partner  and Houlihan can track down the werewolf who bit Jeff?”

“You know it, Partner!”  Annie gave Troy a high-five.

“I can call my old friends at the Womyn’s Herbal Wisdom Collective and see what they know about werewolves,” said Britta.

“Well, I can tell you’re going to Britta that solution,” said Jeff.

“Jeff,” said Shirley, “If you want to come to my church for a prayer circle, I’m sure it couldn’t hurt.”

“Screw that!  Come to my church!” said Pierce.  “The electro-purification machine can cure you of werewolfism _and_ gayness!”

Abed held up a finger.  “Lycanthropy.”

“Right,” said Jeff.  “Because _that’s_ the part of what Pierce said that needs correcting.  Troy and Annie sound like the least scary option, unless Abed’s developing some sort of cure based on scotch and topless women.”

“I’m buying you a cage,” said Abed.  “Pierce knows a store that specializes in different kinds of human-sized restraints.”

“That settles it,” said Jeff.  “I’m going with Troy and Annie.  Also, I’ll be desperately trying to scrub that image from my brain.”

—-

“So what are we going to do?” asked Troy.  “Is Jeff going to sniff out the wolf that bit him with his amazing werewolf sniffing powers?”

“Werewolf sniffing powers?” asked Jeff. “Please.  We’re retracing my steps.  I walked out of L Street,” said Jeff, standing on the sidewalk.  “But they were out of cabs and I was too drunk to put my car at risk by driving.  So I went down the street and stopped…here.”

Annie looked up at the sign.  “Neighbors?  Oh!”

“What?” asked Troy.  “This place looks fun.  Neighborly.  And that rainbow sign is cheerful.”

Annie leaned forward and whispered in Troy’s ear.

Troy’s eyes went wide.  “Oh!”

“They had taxis!” said Jeff.  

“It’s okay,” said Annie.  “It’d be weirdly homophobic to have a problem with standing outside a gay bar.  It’s not like gay guys are going to rush out of the bar and start creepily hitting on people.”

“Hello!”  The Dean came jogging up.

Jeff sighed.  "Does my life run on dramatic irony now?"

“I was just in the area.  Do you come around here often?” asked the Dean.  “Is this your…neighborhood, so to speak?”

Jeff’s eyes narrowed.  His nostrils flared.

“We’re investigating wild dog attacks,” said Annie. “One bit Jeff, and we’re trying to find the owner so we can find out if he needs a rabies shot.”

Jeff glared at the Dean.

“Oh dear,” said the Dean.  “Be careful, Jeffrey.  You never know what might want a taste of you.”

Jeff growled.

“Well, got to run.”  The Dean giggled.  “See you around, Jeffrey.  Maybe we’ll meet up again, one bright, moonlight night.”  He turned and walked off.

Jeff started to follow him.

Troy put an arm up.  “Jeff, why are you being weird?”

“Yeah!” said Annie.  “You’re acting all…animalistic.”  She blushed.

Jeff stiffened.  “You know those special werewolf smelling powers I don’t have because that’s stupid?  Well, it’s him.  He’s the werewolf who bit me.”

“The Dean?”  Troy looked at Annie.  “That’s…”

“…weirdly logical.”

Jeff shuddered.  “Can we not talk about it?”

Troy’s phone rang.  “Hi.  Yeah, he’s still fine.  A little stubbly, but basically okay.  Also, tell Abed he has special werewolf powers that let him smell other werewolves!”

“Troy!” Jeff snapped.

Troy looked up.  “So worth it.  Anyway, Britta, we found the wolf who bit Jeff, but I feel kind of weird about having Jeff kill the Dean.”

“I’m up for it,” said Jeff.

“You found a cure?  Awesome!”  Troy put the phone down.  “She found a cure.  She said she doesn’t think it’ll kill you.  We should go back.”

—-

“Okay!”  Britta gestured.  “I found this ancient natural herbal remedy that can cure lycanthropy.  It’s called Aconite, and it’s been used in Ayurvedic medicine for colds and fevers, as well being used in Europe to induce sweating and diarrhea.  And kill wolves.”

Jeff sighed.  “She Britta’d it.  What else have we got?”

“Actually,” said Abed, “she may have a point.  Wolfsbane, right?”

“Yes!”  Britta pointed.  “See?  Abed knows what I’m talking about.”

“I’m not taking the herb that gives you sweaty diarrhea!”

“You shouldn’t worry about that,” said Abed.  “You should worry about the toxicity.  Wolfsbane is highly poisonous.  If we don’t get the dose right, you could die.”

“This just gets better and better!”  Jeff stood up.  “Does anyone have a better plan than Britta’s poison diarrhea herbs?”

Everyone looked at each other.

“We could put you in a cage every night during the full moon,” said Annie.  “That way you wouldn’t hurt anyone.”

“I bought the cage!” said Pierce.  "Also, when I explained, a guy at the store said he wanted to meet you, so I gave him your number."  He made a hand gesture.  "You're welcome."

“That would inevitably backfire,” said Abed.  “The cage is a good temporary solution, but inevitably someone’s going to forget to lock something.  Either Jeff finds a way to control his werewolf powers through meditation and other mindfulness techniques to get in touch with his animal side, or we have to shoot him with a silver bullet.”

“I bought that too!” said Pierce.

“Gee, thanks,” replied Jeff.

Pierce nodded and pointed.  “Any time, buddy.”

“Wait,” said Britta.  “Meditation?  Mindfulness?  Getting in touch with feelings?  Jeff, I can teach you that!”

“Okay,” said Jeff.  “Give me the poison.”

Britta folded her arms.  “Not if you’re going to be like that.”

“Wait,” said Troy.  “What are we going to do about the Dean?”

Everyone looked down.

“Does the ‘kill the head werewolf’ thing work?” asked Jeff.  

“Only in  An American Werewolf in Paris,” said Abed.  “And that movie defecated on a cinematic classic.  Plus, Jeff would have to not only kill the Dean, but eat his heart.  Considering the relatively light-hearted tone of the story so far, I don’t think we want to go that gory.”

Everyone pulled a face.

“We could track him down, kidnap him, and give him more of the wolfsbane,” said Annie.  “That probably wouldn’t kill him.”

“Before we do any kidnapping people and feeding them poison,” said Shirley, “it might be a good idea to try prayer.”

“Right.”  Britta snorted.  “Because the Magical Sky Fairy can cure people of being werewolves.”

Jeff ignored Britta.  “Shirley, can you do your prayers while we do the other stuff?”

“I suppose,” said Shirley.

“Fine. Shirley does her thing, and the rest of us go un-werwolf the Dean.”

“Well okay,” said Shirley, folding her arms.  “If you want to brush me off like that, I suppose you have enough on your mind.  You know, what with your...little problem.”

“I’ll also want you here at the apartment in case the plan goes wrong and we need someone sensible to call an ambulance,” said Jeff.  “Plus…if there is a God, having you vouching for me can only improve my chances.”

Shirley smiled.

“How do we find the Dean?” asked Abed.  “He could be anywhere.”

Jeff turned and pounded on the wall.  “Dean!  Come here!  I know you’re listening.”

—-

The Dean stood at the door, looking sheepish.  “Well, Jeffrey, I guess you know my dirty little secret.  One of them, anyway.”

“You bit me, you freak!”  Jeff grabbed the Dean by the arm.  “Now get in here so we can shove you in the cage.”

The Dean shivered.  “I’ve had dreams like this.”

Jeff took his hand away.  “ _You’re_ a werewolf?  This just got even _more_ lame.”

“I was up in Boulder, a few months ago, at a…canine-themed party, and it turns out one of the gentlemen who bit me was a werewolf.  I tried to control it, but certain urges just…came leaping out.  Funny how often that happens between the two of us.”

Jeff took a step back.

“Anyway,” said the Dean.  “I’ve come up with a solution.  Since it’d be far too dangerous to be in civilization with this _terrible_ curse, you and I should run off to the woods together.  I was thinking Canada?  Just the two of us, alone in a little cabin somewhere, giving in to our wild side three nights a month. Or maybe more.”  He winked.

“Do you know a way to turn into a wolf more often than that?” asked Abed.  "Because if you can switch it off and on whenever it's convenient, I'm in."

Jeff furrowed his brow.  “Did you bite me because you wanted to run away with me?”

The Dean giggled.  “That would be telling.”

“It doesn’t matter,” said Britta.  “We found a cure.  We have wolfsbane.”

The Dean let out a crestfallen, “Oh.”  He stiffened. “ Well, I won’t take it.”

“Hey, it only might kill you!” said Britta.  “That’s safer than the other werewolf cure!”

“Silver bullet,” said Abed.  “Got one right here.”

“Kill me?  Silver bullets?  No, I’m putting my foot down.  The only way you’ll get me to take that is if you defeat me in battle.”  He stepped closer to Jeff.  “A mano-a-mano werewolf battle, you and me, rolling around on the floor, our clothes and the veneer of civilization torn away, leaving only our rawest and most animalistic qualities.  What do you say?”  He started undoing the buttons on his shirt.  

Jeff glanced slightly behind the Dean.  “Annie?”

Before the Dean could turn, Annie tasered him.  

Jeff grinned.  “I’m buying you extra batteries for that thing.”

“Thanks!”  Annie smiled.  “Um, I might have to use it on you later.  Only if it looks like you might eat someone.”

Jeff tilted his head.  “I’m okay with that.”

“Quick,” said Abed.  “Put the Dean in the cage before he wakes up!”

Jeff stepped back.  “Someone else do it.  If I did, he’d just make it creepy.”

Troy bent down and started stuffing the Dean in the cage.  

“We only have one cage,” said Abed.  “Where’s Jeff staying?”

“The bathroom,” said Jeff.  “If I’m taking Britta’s sweaty diarrhea poison, I’m going to be in a room with a lot of plumbing.”  

“I’ll go with you,” said Britta.  

“I’ll go,” said Annie.  “I’m getting good with the taser.”

Jeff pulled a face.  “I’d rather avoid the whole ‘attractive women watching me poop’ situation.  I’ll stay in the bathroom alone.”

“Jeff!” said Annie.  “You could die!”

“You won’t,” said Britta.  “Because the remedy I prepared is going to be awesome, but yeah, you probably should have someone go with you.”

“I don’t deal with poop,” said Troy.  

“Me neither,” said Pierce.  “Not even my own.  I have people for that.”

“Fine,” said Shirley.  “I’ll do it.  Make the mom deal with the mess as usual.”

“I can do it,” said Abed.  

Jeff bit his lip.  “Is there any chance you’ll let me go to the bathroom alone?”

The entire group turned.  “No!”

“Fine,” said Jeff.  “Abed.”

Shirley let out a relieved sigh.  

“Now for the fun question,” said Jeff.  “Who’s going to deal with the Dean when he gets sweaty diarrhea in his cage?”

They all started arguing.

—

“Here you go,” said Britta, handing Jeff a cup of greenish sludge.  “I put it in a green smoothie, with some spinach and blueberries.  I figured the extra vitamins and antioxidants couldn’t do any harm.”  

Jeff took the cup and gave it a cautious sniff.  Surprisingly, despite looking like weird green sludge, it did smell like blueberries.  

Britta took another cup to the cage.  “This is for you, Dean.”

“You seriously want me to drink poison?” The Dean frowned.  “Although it does smell pleasantly of blueberries.”

“Just drink it, weirdo!” said Jeff.  “I don’t want you biting me again.  Ever.  In any context.”

The Dean pouted.  

Annie stepped over to the cage and started whispering.  After a long moment, the Dean looked up.  “Jeffrey, do I really have to drink this?”

“Yes!”

The Dean swallowed the green goo.  “Is there anything else you’re going to order me to do before I become a mere mortal?”

“Um…stop talking to me?”  Jeff frowned.

The Dean nodded silently.  

Jeff took the cup and walked towards the bathroom.  “What did you say to him?” he asked Annie when they were out of earshot.  

“I told him you’d use your Alpha Wolf powers to dominate him and would compel him to helplessly obey your every command.”  Annie smiled.  “I got it from a Teen Wolf slashfic.”

“Slashfic?” Jeff asked.

“Fanfiction pairing male characters together,” said Abed.  “One thing you learn if you grow up in the internet generation - women like guy-on-guy action as much as men like girl-on-girl.”

Annie blushed.

“Huh,” said Jeff.  “So you and Troy…”

“Both read Shifting Perspectives and Shrimp Forks, the biggest Inspector Spacetime fanfiction archive.  Troy’s favorited fifteen gender swap fic.”  Abed looked at Jeff.  “Those are stories where the Inspector gets turned into a woman and then gets romantically involved with Constable Reggie.”  Abed blinked.  “Actually, he probably wouldn’t want me to tell you that.  Forget I said anything.”

Jeff’s jaw dropped.   He turned to look at Annie.

Annie blushed.  “I…just googled a few things.  You know, out of curiosity.”

Jeff cocked his head.  “I always thought the moment I found out your secret sexual fantasies would be…more enjoyable.”   

He stopped and looked at the bathroom door.  “So, this is it.  The moment of truth.”  He looked down at the cup.

Abed held out his hand.  “Annie?  Taser.”

“Right.”  Annie handed it over.

“Better drink it,” said Abed.  “The sun will be going down soon.”

Annie reached out and squeezed Jeff’s hand.  

“Down the hatch.”  Jeff swallowed the goo.  

He immediately doubled over in pain.

“Jeff!”  Annie grabbed his arm.  

Abed pulled Jeff into the bathroom.  “Don’t worry.  I’ll handle this.”

—-

Jeff lay curled up at the bottom of the shower, shaking.  

“You should probably drink some Gatorade,” said Abed.  “It’ll help you not die of dehydration.”

Jeff shut the water off and pulled the shower curtain back.  “Britta mentioned the diarrhea, but didn’t say anything about the vomiting.”

Abed tilted his head.  “Probably because poop is funnier than puke.  Here.”  He handed Jeff a bottle.

Jeff swallowed.  His stomach started to cramp up again.  He groaned.

“Would now be a good time for some good news?”

Jeff pressed the bottle against his forehead.  “Please.”

Abed checked his watch.  “It’s now thirty-seven minutes after sunset.  You’re cured.”

Jeff nodded, and then immediately threw up.

—

At four am, Jeff staggered out of the bathroom, wearing his robe.  

The rest of the group looked up.  

“Did you guys wait up all night?” asked Jeff.  

“Of course we did,” said Britta.  “No one was going to sleep until they were sure you were safe.”

“Troy took a nap around midnight,” said Shirley.  

“I was just resting my eyes!” said Troy.  “The Dean’s been asleep for like an hour.”  He pointed to the cage, where the Dean lay curled up with a blanket over him.  He looked even paler than usual.  “Shirley cleaned the cage.”

Shirley sighed.  “Apparently, if you don’t have three kids, you just curl up and die at the side of someone throwing up on himself.”

“Yeah, I wasn’t expecting so much vomiting,” said Jeff.  “Still, I want to thank you all.  I learned something tonight.  I learned that true friends are there for you when you’re at your most disgusting.  I learned that when Britta offers me a poisonous herbal treatment for a disease science says doesn’t exist, I should take it.”

“Um,” said Annie.

“I learned that Annie should be allowed to taser me and chain me up whenever she wants.”

Shirley frowned.  “I don’t think that’s the lesson.”

“And most of all,” said Jeff, “I learned that when Abed says something seemingly impossible is happening, I should believe him.”

Britta bit her lip.

Annie gave Jeff a hug.

Britta glanced over at Abed.  “Did he shower after he finished…you know?”

Abed nodded.

“Then group hug!”  Britta stepped over and hugged Jeff.  

The whole group followed.

The Dean rolled over in his sleep.  “Oh, Jeffrey!”

—

“Don’t be ridiculous!  I’m way too cool to believe in werewolves, let alone be one!”

Jeff walked into the room.  “What are you doing?”

“Cut!” said Abed.  “I’m making the movie version.”

The guy with the gelled hair looked up from the study table.  “Is this him?  The original Jack?”

“Jeff,” said Jeff.  “Who are you?”

The guy stood up.  “Henry Davies.  I’m playing Jack…well, you.”  He rushed over and shook Jeff’s hand.  “It’s an honor to meet you.  I want to know everything.  First off, what technique do you use on your hair?”

Jeff pulled his hand away.  “Abed?”

Abed rolled his eyes.  “Method actors.”

“You’re seriously making a movie about this?” asked Jeff.  “Don’t you have to…ask or something?”

“No, I changed the name.  This is Jack Williams, who gets bit by the head of the Social Studies Department at Redvale Community College, a fictional school in Denver, and becomes a werewolf.  He’s cured through the combined efforts of his friends.  There’s Abdul, the socially awkward genius, Hector, the former basketball player with a heart of gold, Amy, whose investigative skills are only rivaled by her sizzling sexual tension with Jack, and Blueberry, the hippie shaman whose expertise in herbal medicine provides the key to finding the cure.”  

“Very subtle,” said Jeff.  “Does Britta know she’s being portrayed as a hippie shaman named Blueberry?”

Britta came rushing into the room wearing a dreadlocks wig and carrying a staff.  “Have we started the take yet?  I'm ready!”


End file.
